I wish I was stupid.

It would be really nice if I weren’t so *much* all the time. If I could just chill out and relax and be normal for once. Everything is such a battle, everything is do-or-die, everything is extreme. There’s no place for it, everyone is going about their own business, living their life, being alright, feeling bad and mad sometimes… but also watching TV and sharing silly jokes with their friends. 

Where did that part of me go? I lost it somewhere in the fight to wrench myself out of the clutches of despair. Where did the lighthearted girl go who made faces and didn’t take anything too seriously? Can you get that back once you’ve lost it? Have I really lost it?

Why can’t I connect with anyone? I’m no fun. I’ve lost the ability to have fun, because I’m such a fucking sludgy downer all the time. Too much for everyone, all the time. Too intense. Too much. 

I can’t lighten up. The stakes are too high, for me. I feel like I’ve been pushed into this fight-or-flight mentality by the requirements of life, and everyone else can do their shit everyday like it’s just stuff they do. The stuff I do takes my whole being, takes such a gargantuan effort, just to not shirk it off and live in my room all the time, that I take it all so seriously.

Who wants to be around someone like me? 

All I hear is, be yourself, don’t be afraid to be yourself, blah blah blah. 

But who I am creates this giant gulf between myself and everybody else. 

I wish I was stupid. 

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~ by A. L. Park on August 31, 2014.

2 Responses to “I wish I was stupid.”

  1. I hear you, and I feel like understand you — at least a little.
    And I want to be around someone like you — at least at a remove.

    The giant gulf is not between you and *everybody* else.
    It’s between you and the humdrums that make up the majority.
    And isn’t that as it should be?

    • Thanks for replying.
      Everything is as it should be,yes, but sometimes it chafes. There’s nothing that can be done! At least I have my books, my art, and the internet.

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