Internship: Anxiety and Endurance.

The original plan for the summer was to get a job to help fund the next year of my education. Deciding to do an unpaid internship was a huge decision for me; it meant another 4 months of stress and worry and saying no to fun things and eating one unhealthy meal a day.

It meant being willing to be driven to and from work by my mother, since it’s on the way to her workplace. It meant living in her house instead of on my own, which at 25 chafes so badly.

It means feeling guilty and excessive when I purchase a coffee in the morning, multiplying two-times-tables with that sinking feeling as I wait in line to give the lady behind the counter my toonie.

Two times five is ten, ten times sixteen is… do I have that much money to drop on coffee?

There was a lot more written here that I edited out, because I don’t want to bore you just with the anxiety surrounding my caffeine intake. There are countless other things swirling around in my head trying to disintegrate my fortress of self confidence. But, the benefit of being 25 and not 20, is that at 20 my self esteem was pillow fort.

An important pillar of strength for me that took some time to solidify, is that I don’t feel the need to justify myself to anyone. There’s a trajectory that I’m on, and all anyone can see is me hurtling through the air towards the goal that I’ve set. They don’t see the goal or the set-up or the journey to the launchpad and I don’t have time to stop midflight and explain myself. So what if they think I look stupid and childish or whatever else they think. So what if my arms flail; yours would too, in my position. So what if I break my legs when I land; right now I’m enjoying the wind in my hair.

Will it pay off in the future? I will make it pay off. If this fortress can withstand everything that it already has, then it will be an impressive structure, guaranteed. One day, I’ll make money. Today, I’ll write, edit, and dream of the future.

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~ by A. L. Park on May 20, 2014.

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